“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” — the Dalai Lama.

I am amazed as I witness, again and again, the inner capacity for healing and wellness that we each possess. Every person has innate inner strengths that emerge when most needed. The global pandemic pushed most of us to another level of digging deep for our internal resources and resilience. It also challenged most of us socially, so an article on kindness is perhaps in good order. Kindness is a critical component of positive psychology research on contributors to life happiness.

According to Action for Happiness, a group studying what contributes to happiness in our lives, “Research shows that happiness, compassion and kindness are the products of skills that can be learned and enhanced through training, thanks to the neuroplasticity of our brains.” We are born with a capacity for kindness because we are hard-wired for love and compassion. Acts of kindness to ourselves and others are an extension of this natural compassion.

In this article, I will discuss three dimensions of kindness: self-kindness through non-judgment, kindness towards others through acts and behaviors, and finally, feelings of “common humanity” through being able to place our hardships in the context of human experience rather than self-deficiency and shame.

Find a Success Each Day: Kindness Toward Self

Directing kindness and compassion toward the self is a tremendous wellness skill, one that takes continual practice. Our self-talk can be incredibly negative (read my article on self-compassion). When I worked for a research program to support resiliency in families and youth at Colorado State University, “success sharing” was a skill we practiced weekly in our groups. Parents and their children would report one thing they felt successful about from their day. We were looking for small successes, encouraging the idea that if we wait to feel successful for big things like promotions or a new car, we might be waiting a long time. The practice is to notice the small things such as making it to work on time, facing a challenge, making time for relaxation, etc.

For the youth, this was tremendous fun, and they had no trouble coming up with all kinds of funny successes to share. But for the adults, it was more challenging. Sometimes this activity would evoke tears from participants whose day had been so stressful that it was frustrating and seemingly impossible to shift to a positive state of mind. What started happening after a few weeks is that participants would come to the group with successes already in mind. This means their awareness habits began shifting from noticing the negative to focusing on events they felt good about.

A Kindness a Day: Kindness Toward Others

Being kind requires us to notice the needs and feelings of others. Seeing those around us with compassion rather than judgment allows us to feel connected to others. Belonging and feeling connected to others is a basic human need, and through acts of kindness, that need is filled.

Our compassion is innate, but we may need to fine-tune it by practicing a simple remedy: acts of kindness. Studies on the benefits of kindness are numerous and show that kind acts have biological, emotional, and social benefits. Acts of kindness can be spontaneous such as smiling or saying thank you, or holding a door open for a stranger. The Action for Happiness group recommends that acts of kindness don’t have to be random; we can “plan for happiness” by making a list of small actions to take in daily life. Another website with research-based skills for increasing happiness, including kindness, is the University of California Berkeley Greater Good in Action Center

Generalized Kindness: Remember Our Common Humanity

The feeling of shame is a sure sign that we are moving in the opposite direction of self-kindness or kindness toward others. Noticing when we are in a shame state is a crucial skill in building resiliency. How can you recognize shame? It’s the feeling of wanting to hide and disconnect from others stemming from a sense that something deficient about us will sever our belonging. Read more of that research at Brene Brown’s website.

Remembering our common humanity can be a way to rebalance ourselves when we experience difficult emotions. Research on Mindful Self-Compassion notes that considering “common humanity” offers another pathway towards increasing kindness. It encourages us to recognize that we all experience difficulties, make mistakes, and all want happiness, peace, and well-being.

Common humanity sounds like this, “I feel vulnerable and uncertain during the pandemic. So do most people. I am not the only one. This is challenging for all of us.” This type of normalizing self-talk can help us stay connected to ourselves and others in a compassionate way. It can help us offer support to ourselves, which might include reaching out to others rather than pulling away and isolating ourselves.

Iwill end this article with “loving kindness” statements meant to be repeated to ourselves first, then offered to others.

May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you be safe.
May you live with ease.